Amsterdam 2

How do you define inspiration?

A game I like to play with myself a little bit whenever (I don’t really decide when it happens, I just get triggered from time to time) is to try to define certain words as fully, clearly, concisely and unambiguously as possible. To kinda figure out what nuance there can be, and how I feel about the word personally, and what it potentially could mean for others. I haven’t really done it with inspiration. But I’m curious to try some time.

Anyways. Inspired is what I am after having been in Amsterdam for a couple of days. I always knew I was going to adore and have a pretty good feeling about the town. What I didn’t know was how extremely quickly I would feel at home there. For me, it’s kind of crazy. The majority of times I’ve been out travelling it has been 3-4 nights at the most. A major reason has of course always been having the resources to travel at all. One equally major thing would be my general inability to feel at ease enough to actually enjoy myself more than a more limited amount of time. The craving of being home, by myself, recovering and feeling absolutely sure nobody will expect anything from me has always been so strong I simply haven’t really considered any longer trips.

The journey to get my body and mind in a more healthy and sustainable state started a bunch of years ago, and since a couple of months back I’ve been more on track than ever. Enough crisis in one’s life and there’s no other choice I guess.

I’ve spent a lot of time on gaining an actual confidence in myself, not only a confidence in being able to perform what’s needed of me by others. I’ve always loved and will always love caring for and serving others, but at a certain point, there’s only so much care for others that can really cover up the shitty care of oneself.

So, with the confidence that I can do this trip I’m doing, knowing not only being able to do it, but most of the time thriving doing it, I finally arrived in Amsterdam. A place I’ve wanted to visit for 20 years. Not only did the town itself feel like it embraced you (albeit with a lot of crazy biking going on), but the welcoming I got in the flat I’m staying made me feel more at home than in my own actual home. Not quite, but yeah, you and I get it. And yes, it’s the people I’ve been lucky to hang out with that has made me think quite a bit of inspiration.

Since Monday the time has flown past in a way I haven’t felt in quite some time. The original plan was to head to Hamburg today to try and finally catch The International (Dota 2-tournament). But. Imagine walking on a chill road a sunny day, some good music in the headphones, not really knowing where the road leads but you just know it’s the right direction, and that in itself is enough. So, life’s not bad. All of a sudden a van full of happy hippies picks you up and tell you they want you to come to Woodstock with them. I mean. Would you say no? Would anyone? How afraid of life would have to be? The reason I say that is I’m on my way to Berlin right now to hang out with the four people I’ve been living with as well as 20 other burners for a weekend of joy and adventure. Never though I’d be in a situation where I could travel to wherever and hang out with artists and other types of really accomplished people, who all have joy of life as their guiding star, no matter how much one gets shit on, by oneself or by others.

I want to write more about them, and I’m pretty sure I will. I just have to figure out the format for it a little better.

Haven’t felt much of a need to pick up my phone and take a bunch of pictures while in Amsterdam. I’ve been fortunate enough to having been able to be so much in the moment I rarely wanted to taint it with the phone. Buuut it looks like I’m going back to Amsterdam again after this weekend. Gonna try and see more of the town. Chill in some parks. All that. I could’ve just remained in Berlin to stay on track with my “schedule”, but I just feel too big a need to get more Amsterdam out of my system.